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Been a while. need to make sure I kickstart myself into a better gear. Man, times have changed. life is really rolling along surprisingly well. Go me!

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Written by filidhe

January 16, 2013 at 9:49 pm

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Sprung

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free and easy, laid back
and breezy
wanting to stand but leaning
when the hurt ended
it left me hollow

alder buds are drooping
swaying off-green jewels
no leaves yet but soon
the velvet buds unfurling
in that timeless, pious enduring:
the faith of the trees

birdsong in the middle time
flashes of red and black from the hedge
the rain soft, insisting
drumming me back to sleep

from my cage I can see
the crooked limb of the sky
and the pebbled beach of forever

it is lonely
but good

Written by filidhe

March 2, 2010 at 7:18 am

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the Dawn

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Opinionated Bitch : issue 0, volume 0

Getting on with it

I tried, I really did. After a fucked up life that really can’t compare to anyone else’s, I even went as straight as I could, got the 40 a week job, was responsible, and fell in love and all that. It just doesn’t work for me. Never, to be 100% accurate, ever really did. Scarred childhood, scared adolescence, it comes down to this, to quote Joss Whedon’s Dr. Horrible: the status is NOT quo. I broke, and couldn’t keep going, couldn’t keep pretending that I fit this weirdly twisted world. Call it ego, but I feel the movement of something actually great inside me, and I grow daily more certain my choices are between giving this thing free rein, and laying down and dying.

So, here I am, at 11:31 pm on December 8, 2009, sitting at my keys and for the first time in a very long time, actually writing. My headset is blaring the Tea Party in my ears (for now) and I am letting the words come out.

Here’s the plan: write. Lots. Every damned day. Let things go where they will, but stop trying to force myself into a “normal” pattern: I have always been most creative at night: so let the words flow like a dark river when they will. Just don’t ever dam the flow again. All will be well again, as Julian of Norwich said. I owe a debt of thanks for those words, for Hope.

Written by filidhe

December 9, 2009 at 8:14 am

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Dark Tide

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Rising Dark

I read myself into exhaustion, or sleep won’t come. The books are almost too true to help, (Chung Kuo by David Wingrove. Veracious.) Hope is sorely lacking and the darkness holds too much sway over me right now.

Only in the deeper dreams does everything I don’t need slip away,leaving the joy of him, the wonderful feelings that still root the world. I just can’t get there when I’m awake.

When the Dark rises, all pleasure is too fleeting and leaves me dying for more, like a castaway on a desert island, dying of thirst, surrounded by salt water.

Written by filidhe

November 9, 2009 at 7:36 am

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Dance Me Outside

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Actually went out on Sunday, to watch SOngbird and Kimkio dance in the park,. The sun was out it was a glorious early fall day and it was so good to just be out without any expectations or list of places to go. I need to do more of that.

The upgrade of the meds is helping: I’m still a bit scared of the Methotrex, but the increase in the Tramadol is making a tonne of difference to my function levels. I even slept last night, from 11 pm to 7 am. Huge.

Have a bunch of writing to do: will be posting more soon.

Breathe.

Written by filidhe

September 29, 2009 at 3:54 pm

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Journal

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I’m not coping well.

Scott is so far away, and time seems to be telescoping out so that every achey moment is an aeon.

The meds aren’t working: don’t even have a real diagnosis, and I’m paying about $200 a month for treatments that aren’t really affecting me for the better. I had more function on the codeine, even if I had to keep upping the dosages.

The biggest issue I feel is that no one really cares. The level of inconsideration I am feeling is huge. I get lipservice, from just about everyone, roomies and sister on down to the doctors, and I can’t really talk to anyone about the pain and the fear and the anger and the helplessness, because it’s all whining.

Mostly, I am feeling a huge loss a gaping chasm of hopelessness. My youth is long gone, and my old age is already here, and I have nothing to show for it. A life mostly wasted. I’m so close to the edge of just saying I’ll survive till my kids don’t need me anymore, and then I’m kissing off.

I am dreamless, sleepwalking through my days and submerged in my nights.

Written by filidhe

September 2, 2009 at 8:08 pm

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Drift Would

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Just floating along, caught in a bit of an undertow and trying hard not to sink before my time.

Managed to do the dishes (almost all of them) before the body said no more, rest now. Did not attempt dinner in that frame of body/mind. Went back to my room and rested, then got slammed with a brutal headache like a brick between the eyes. Possible caffeine deprivation, possible eye-overwork, possible hormonal shift, possible med shift, or some delightful combination of all these factors. If I was a horse, I’d have shot me by now.

So, crashed, listed to the roomies make food (LOUDLY) for themselves: no one even tapped on my door to check on me: yup, it’s a pity party. No one gives an honest damn about me, but me, and when I can’t care, why the fuck should anyone else? Poor Scott, he gets to pick up the pieces and putty them back into a semblance of the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

There’s poetry in me, but it’s all dark and that disgusting new word “emo”, but not as funny as the real thing.

I need a break from my life, but lack the courage to actually make one. That’s probably a good thing, right?

Written by filidhe

September 1, 2009 at 3:28 pm

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